recalls the domestic problem of the Scot whose sister had been
living with his wife and himself for many years. But two women
is " one two many " in any house and finally the situation could
be endured no longer. One of the women must leave. But blood
was blood and kin was kin - and his wife had to leave.
moved to New York he constantly annoyed his American friends
by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation,
one said, "If Scotland's so marvelous, how come
you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained
Jock "they're all so clever in Scotland I had to
cross the Atlantic to have any chance of making it at all."
Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested
that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.
"Man," scoffed the Scot, "have you no ambition
it comes to incidents in his national history his patriotic
zeal is even strong enough to shake him out of his native caution.
Witness the Bannockburn blacksmith who had shown some
English visitors over the battlefield and who, for his services
and his graphic descriptions of the events of that great day,
had been offered a nice tip. " No, no, keep you're your money,
" he replied with great self-denial; " this battlefield has
cost you enough already. "
( Bannockburn is where the Scots defeated the English )
When it comes
to the English, the loyal Scot will take any opportunity to
get them back for years of perceived, and actual, injustices.
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Sharon Stone sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through the Highlands
of Scotland. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as
it was an old style steam train, there were no lights in the
carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing
noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came
out of the tunnel, Sharon Stone and the Scotsman were sitting
as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against
his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: " The Scotsman must have kissed
Sharon Stone and she missed him and slapped me instead. "
Sharon Stone was thinking: " The Englishman must have tried
to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped
And the Scotsman was thinking: " This is magic. The next time
the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise
and slap that English fool again .
After several hundred years of actual conflict with England,
it is inevitable that there should still be a competitive element
in the relationship with bigger countries. This comes through
occasionally in some of the jokes which are told when the rivals
meet. Included on this page are a few other jokes - involving
such diverse stereotypes as Americans and Texans, and of course,
the English. (you can take a joke, can't you?).
Jock and an American were flying across the Atlantic to New
York when the stewardess approached.
"May I get you something?" she asked.
" Yes, a whisky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the American if he'd like
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be
raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying " Shoot, I
didn't know there was a choice!"
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes.
An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our
own mouths son!"
An American entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked, "Where
are you from?"
The American replied "I'm from the finest country
in the world."
The Scot looked skeptical and replied "Are you? You
have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."
Irate American golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You
must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence,
A Scotsman and Englishman are strolling along the beach when
they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll
give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.
The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England
for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Scots coming
into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to
keep the English in and the Scots out"
POOF and it's done. The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?"
he says "tell me about this wall". "Well"
says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile
thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".
"OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".
MacDougal was offered 500 pounds for his dog by an American
and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Much to everyone's surprise
he accepted the bid from the Englishman. Afterwards he explained.
"The dog can walk back home from England but he'll
never swim the Atlantic."
philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend
the Scotland versus England soccer match was heard to comment:
"No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still
be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken
up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."